panties, and tires, and fire - oh my

School is underway, and I have oodles of free time to preen and run amok. Minutes after the bus pulled away Tuesday, I lapped up tables of new book releases, drunk on my freedom after 10 years. Then I obviously ticked someone off and my life, Hex 2.0, began.

Let me explain.

It started with my doctor's appointment yesterday. Sure, the news could have been worse, but a quick glance around the waiting room and I felt like donning a party hat and feeling ever so sorry for myself. Me and my grannies were kicking it old skool, lounging around on the tall seats, the ones built for the ladies that can't get up anymore and the men that love them (insert your own Viagra joke here). I am usually pretty optimistic, but this time, I felt sad, pathetic.

Then I saw my flat tire. Well, it wasn't too bad so I decided to suck it up and drag my sorry butt down to Les Schwab, fixer of tires. I was feeling smug and right, taking care of my car all by myself until one of the employees fondled my tire and refused to fix it because it was bald, so bald it was too big of a liability. So. What brand of tires should I put you down for? So you don't cause a five car pile up on the freeway and die a painful, fiery death. I took his suggestion to get my husband on the phone, but because he's a busy man, I ended up leaving him a message; I left frustrated, caught between my fear of dying and my lack of tire expertise.

(But no worries, I cheered myself on, the day will surely improve.)

I drove away, temporarily filled the slow-leaking, death trap tire and went to buy some panties because panties do not automatically renew, like my Blockbuster movie pass, and have to be replaced from time to time. Mid-pantie purchase, Greg chimed in and told me he had some words with the manager about my 'experience' at the ol' tire shoppe and the manager apologized and invited me to ask for him personally because he'd love to help me, surely he would, while I dodge incoming stale popcorn, compliments of the staff.

Gee. Thanks.

But if you need further evidence that I am cursed, just you wait, because my luck runneth over.

After working out this morning, I stepped out of my grimy duds and was just about to hop in the shower when I noticed one of my energy saving bulbs was about to flicker out. I turned around, and griped aloud about how they are supposed to last a long time, and save the planet and expressed my personal disappointment. When turned back, I marveled at the power of my words, for the light, it was on again. Or so I thought until it burst into flames. Fire. Inches from the ceiling, and I am naked. OH. THE. JOYS. (Sorry purveyor of joy. I couldn't resist usurping your words.)

I hit the switch, ran down the hall and grabbed one of Zack's errant water bottles. I stood in the dark, dowsed the melted candle and laughed.

At least the next time someone asks what I do all the damn day, I will have a good answer; I don't think they can beat 'nude firefighter'.

good for the environment?

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OhTheJoys said…
The Joys are universal and free to all. (Like any of us could avoid them. They just keep on coming... fire while you're naked... can't stop 'em!)
katydidnot said…
ohmygod! you so totally beat my flying vigilante watermelon of tuesday. it will get better. this too shall pass, until then...just ugh.
Daisy said…
That was a great post! Hilarious about the light bulb!!!! Too flippin funny. I'm sorry to hear about your bad day though. I hope tomorrow is better and that Les Schwab treats you right. We have 'em here and they're great, stale popcorn and all! Unless you drive an Expedition like me, be thankful your tires are two hundred bucks a pop! ;-)
Daisy said…
PS: I had no idea you had Sjogren's Syndrome. I'm so sorry!!! I'm going to read your other blog too (not to pity you, rather to understand more about it). And, the tumor? How "wee" is it? Small enough not to worry about? Or small enough that it's not accessible. Now, I'm worrying...
Serina Hope said…
When the bad stops it doesn't know how to stop, does it? It did make for a funny post though. :)
Spagirl said…
Oh, Lisa. In the beginning, all I could say was, "Oh no!" By the end, I was laughing. Thanks for providing today's humor! I guess it could've all been worse. The kids could've been home, the doorbell could've been buzzing, and your panty drawer could've been empty. All of this while trying to put out the fire of an "environmentally friendly" lightbulb. Guess they're not so friendly afterall. You had your 3 (I believe that everything happens in threes). Tomorrow WILL be better!

And I'm sure that Mr. Sales Manager will make sure that Mr. Salesman/Tire Installer will never mess with Mrs. Milton again!
Scribbit said…
Yes, that job title would certainly get you some attention :)

Sounds like you need a day of massage and ice cream.
stephanie said…
Stupid environment. I'm trying to think if you were a green granola-type before me, or if my eco-wackiness pulled you in...Regardless, I am sorry for the madness of your week. Obviously it far beats my simple tiredness from running here & there.

I'm exhausted just reading this post. Let's do something fun this weekend! Without doctors, old people, tires, or fire...
Anonymous said…
Sorry to giggle at your pain but I am...

Good luck with the tires.

Anonymous said…
Don't you just hate days like that? But, your "fighting fire nekkid" story, will make for great amusement at parties. Is that any consolation?
Anonymous said…
When you were under the roof of your childhood home, I alway's said "Check the tires and oil" till you knew what I was going to say when you drove off into the sunset. LOL If you want I can give a Papa opinion when I see you today. Love Dad ;^)
Amy said…
Oh my lord.

I think we might be related.

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