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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

parenting tips from a jerk

I hate being wrong. I often question if I am indeed 'right', but when there is no question and I blow it, it stays with me. I rewrite what I said in my head. I apologize and then wonder if I am forgiven. I wear an obnoxious 'P' on my forehead - I can't seem to achieve better parenting through perfectionism. And it sucks.

The latest glory moment: I was rounding up the kids for our PTA board meeting yesterday, and they were bickering and messing around. I gave them directions and they ignored me. I gave them consequences and they ignored me. And as I went upstairs to get my stuff, I broke my own rules and shrieked 'SHUT UP'. The words left my lips and I cringed; Zack started to cry. 'We' don't scream shut up around here - just ask my kids.

I picked Zack up and called Lexi over to me. I said sorry: that I was feeling badly, and that I had had a rough day, that I miss Daddy. That yes, I was angry that they didn't follow my directions, but I was still sorry.

And we made up.

I often wonder if being a perfectionist is just a fancy way for me to pretend that I am above screwing up, that I have it all together. I simply don't.

But I love my kids and I hope they know it. I hope they know they don't have to be bright and shiny all the time to win my affection. We're all doing the best we can.


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4 comments:

stephanie said...

Perhaps it will make you feel a wee better to recall how I once put my son's doorknob through the wall, after wrenching the whole door from its hinges. My HulkMom moment. Angry/tired/done-with-the-craziness moms are not pretty.

I share your sadness at the blow-up, but know you're in good (?) company. And you did all the right things afterward; you're not a jerk.

I was all ready for a story about some aggravating parent at the park, raising her eyebrows and "hmmmm"ing at your style...I was ready for a rumble! hehee

SusieJ said...

Yes. They know. You feel terrible and we all do it. I know. But, they know. It's not what we say, it's what we do sometimes.

katydidnot said...

I feel you sistah.... We all have to cop to our bad mom moments occasionally. Maybe that's what makes us pretty good moms.

Daisy said...

Oh honey I have been there! In fact, I actually feel like I sound like Mommy Dearest screaming NO MORE WIRE HANGERSSSSS at my kids. I screamed at my son this morning -- I mean, how many times, seriously, does a mother need to ask, "Put your shoes on." Sheesh. But good for you that you could be the bigger person and admit it to your son.