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Wednesday, October 03, 2007

amends

I considered taking the kids over to my Grandma's today, to give my Mom a hand while the kids play. There's always something fun to do at a dog kennel - chase puppies, run in the mud. But Zack is coughing and congested. It is better I stay away.

Grandma is spending a lot of time sleeping now, or watching TV. It's hard for me to picture her sitting down. In my mind, she is never still, always in motion. Telling us what to do.

She is bossy. Or is it 'she was bossy'? I don't know anymore. It just seems that she always gets her way, even now.

I close my eyes and imagine my Mom feeding the dogs she is trying to place now, taking on the chores we all swore we didn't want to do. I see her sleeping there and it starts to sink in. I may grouse about my hurt feelings or revisit better times, but really, I grieve for my Mom. I wish she could have heard the words she needed to hear, some sort of apology. I wish my Grandma could have done it, stopped talking about her show dogs, and paid more attention to her only child, the one who has always been waiting. But it is too late. She never owned up to the things that hurt my Mom and I'm sorry.

I sure wish she had.

{much to my sjogren has been updated too}

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3 comments:

lapoflux said...

It sounds like you have learned a lot from your mom, and that she learned a lot about being a parent from what she didn't want to do (since you seem to have turned out pretty darn good).
Sometimes people just can't give us what we need from them. And in the end it's them that loses out - and I think (not ever having met the woman, but coming from a... shall we say "complex" family) that somewhere under all that your grandma knows that and the apology is there.
Good luck with everything - and keep sick babe at home! It's a great excuse!

Suzanne said...

I have come to the conclusion that some family relationships just won't be reconciled in this lifetime. I have them in my family as well; and, try as I may, you just can't MAKE people be kind and civil... not even your own family members. It's sad. But I have the strong belief that once we die, our perspectives will be much, much wider... and then maybe all of the family grief and drama won't seem like such a big deal anymore.

Shai said...

I have this issue with my own father. He was never physically or emotionally abusive, he just wasn't available. Here I am early thirties, still wondering if I decided to go see him (now that he has throat cancer), would he give me that closure I've always wanted? That explanation as to why this honor roll, never in trouble child was NEVER good enough? I know, I know. It ain't coming. We just have to look to the heavens....and let it go as best as we humanly can.