letter to the hormone department

Dear Hormone department,

It's time we address some issues, some concerns I have, 37 years into this whole 'It's a GIRL!' proposition.

I was pretty good humored when my period started late in high school and then went AWOL, just to reappear at the oddest times, like that mission trip to a Mexican Orphanage.

And I made it through 18+ combined months of puking, and was generally miserable, but grateful to have my two kids. I even smile sweetly when some young thang talks endlessly about how she wishes she could be with child all the time. I pride myself for taking one for the team. For the sistren. I was simply sick enough for many women.

Frankly I'm surprised by this nonsense over the past few months: The breakouts, this late, nearly skipped period, and the tears. The tears!

I even took a pregnancy test - due diligence, post-vasectomy - because the last time I was doing hairball things like jumping in the shower to wash my hair but then forgetting to do just that, it was because my body was busy fashioning baby eyebrows that day.

Of course, the test was negative. As well it should be.

I just secretly figured I had paid my dues and this upcoming season of life would be gentle to me.

Please review my charts. I'll be in the kitchen, making lunches and vowing to eliminate Reese's peanut butter cups from September's food pyramid. You see what you can do.

Best regards,

The Management