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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

letter to the hormone department

Dear Hormone department,

It's time we address some issues, some concerns I have, 37 years into this whole 'It's a GIRL!' proposition.

I was pretty good humored when my period started late in high school and then went AWOL, just to reappear at the oddest times, like that mission trip to a Mexican Orphanage.

And I made it through 18+ combined months of puking, and was generally miserable, but grateful to have my two kids. I even smile sweetly when some young thang talks endlessly about how she wishes she could be with child all the time. I pride myself for taking one for the team. For the sistren. I was simply sick enough for many women.

Frankly I'm surprised by this nonsense over the past few months: The breakouts, this late, nearly skipped period, and the tears. The tears!

I even took a pregnancy test - due diligence, post-vasectomy - because the last time I was doing hairball things like jumping in the shower to wash my hair but then forgetting to do just that, it was because my body was busy fashioning baby eyebrows that day.

Of course, the test was negative. As well it should be.

I just secretly figured I had paid my dues and this upcoming season of life would be gentle to me.

Please review my charts. I'll be in the kitchen, making lunches and vowing to eliminate Reese's peanut butter cups from September's food pyramid. You see what you can do.

Best regards,

The Management

20 comments:

Scribbit said...

I have to wonder if I'm having some hormonal issues too---about every month or six weeks I go through a week where I wake up at about 2 or 3 am drenched with sweat and hot. It doesn't matter if I sleep without covers it happens. For a week. Then it stops until next time--I can't figure if I'm hitting some kind of an early menopause thing or if it's just this wierdness in my life--it's terribly annoying. I'm changing sheets all the time.

so NOT cool said...

What I lack in menstrual regularity I make up for in violent daydreams when my period finally does ALMOST arrive.

Anonymous said...

Well said. You totally crack me up!!

T

Mrs. G. said...

Add a postscript about chin hairs for me.

Professor J said...

NOT THE RESSES!

Shana said...

If you are perimenopausal, Reese's are your friend. Truly. Embrace the chocolate. And go get your hormone levels tested, just to check it out.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

So what's up with that? I am perplexed at how I can have chin hairs and pimples AND how I can have sagging and aching breasts AND how I can have cramps and aching joints.

katydidnot said...

Dear Management,

Yeah. We understand your concern, and frankly, we get this letter a lot. And also? Don't care. But we here Proactiv is as good on mid 30s breakouts as it is on mid teens breakouts. But really? We don't care.

Sincerely,

The Hormones

katydidnot said...

here?

frick.

we hear. we don't here. we hear.

gah.

Kimberly said...

Yeurgh! No fun!

I've heard that fish oil pills are supposed to help with hormonal imbalances but I'd be researching things before taking drastic measures.

No peanut butter cups?!

holly said...

also, vitamin b? someone gave me vitamin b once, and it was after i'd said about being hormonal.

but people are always trying to get me to take pills. and then i don't. you'd think they'd stop that.

is there no one you could punch? i find punching therapeutic.

Denise said...

Move over sweetie, make room for me!!!

Stu said...

Maybe losing my hair as I get older is not so bad. At least it is predictable.

Good luck.

-Stu

Saucy said...

Dear Estrogen Patch,

You have been a true friend to me and I need you to help Lisa out. You have kept my head out of the microwave and kept me from fashioning a key ring out of bedazzled tweezers to address my chin hair in the car mirror. I love you but I need you to move on and help a friend in need.

Love
Saucy

brandy101 said...

Ah, the joys of perimenopause.

Wait until the hot flashes...

Yeah, I concur; this stuff sucks; i am ready for a hysterectomy to ust get it all over with!

Suzanne said...

Feel for ya. Truly. I don't know what I'm going to do when I can no longer use pregnancy as an excuse for my hormonal tirades and waterworks. Because really? It's all the time...

MamaGeek @ Works For Us said...

Good LORD this was funny. From someone whose name should have been INFERTILE Mertile, I could have written this letter! :)

lapoflux said...

Ugh. I wish I had something witty to say, but I don't. It sucks.
How is it the gray hair and wrinkles aren't talking to the zits? Seriously, I was hoping for clear skin by the time I had to worry about wrinkle cream.
(Let's not discuss the mood swings. I think we all know about my f***ing fish)
The joys of being a woman are never ending. Argh.

phd in yogurtry said...

Please cc this letter in triplicate for me. I'm staring down the barrel of hormone supplementation, thanks to periods and/or spotting lasting way too long. Not pleased. Feels like I'm going back to BCP days.

Funny. I had my annual ob-gyn visit just yesterday and she gave me a preg test too. For good measure. Despite vasectomy. I can't wait to see how much I'm charged for that.

But we did get a good laugh at, "oh and by the way, you are not pregnant." It was worth the 30 minute wait and the pinchy procedure done on me.

JCK said...

My hormone department is on notice with me, too.