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Wednesday, June 04, 2008

rough day

He studies the calendar and adores the clock.

There is no 'around' or 'about' in his world. He has been needling me, interrogating me over our plans as the school year rounds out.

I swear I can hear his mind going through the paces, forming a circle that makes him feel whole and secure.

And I want him to be safe and sound in his body and his soul, but these questions wear me down. I answer and write things on the calendar, to ease his anxiety, but he doesn't let up.

I don't know how to parent him through these quirks, these obsessions. (I have plenty of neurotic behaviors, but this need to control an itinerary is not one of them.)

So, he begins the day, hounding me. Greg is long gone, motoring down the road at 4:30 and I feel like I did when they were just babies. Like such an amateur.

Why can't I fix this incessant need to discuss times, dates, plans?

I have a sneaking suspicion that if moving has got me a little unhinged - Ms. Spontaneous - the blank canvas next month must really be bothering him.

I apologize for being snappy. I am sad right now; some weeks are just harder than others.

The bus pulls away and the sob comes and I promise myself that I will figure out a way to get Zack through this move.

10 comments:

flutter said...

oof, babe. You are going right through it, aren't you?

Cheri said...

Of course you will! Some days are just like that . . . give yourself a break. Here's a hug. *HUG*

katydidnot said...

oh god. being the mom is so hard some days.

Cara said...

Hang in there, you guys will get through this.

stephanie (bad mom) said...

Oh, man. He will have a trying time. Would it help to plan a big fat party on the last day of school? That would be concrete and we (the Moms) could get together to make actual plans that might ease the anxiety.

I don't like blank canvas months either - witness my scheduling of 3 day camps for the kids and my Europe trip already.

Breathe. We're almost there. :)

lapoflux said...

I don't envy you - it is hard to explain things we are having a rough time with to our little ones.
Stu went through the wringer about moving last year. Good luck - big hug.

Kimberly said...

I'm like Zack...blank calendar pages freak me out a bit. I don't like the unknown. I like to mentally prepare myself for what's coming. Spontanaeity is something I have to work at, which almost defeats the purpose, I think.

Moving is unsettling in so many ways, but it's only unsettling for a time. A relatively short time in the scheme of things. Hard to see that in the midst of the chaos, I know. ~hugs~

K. said...

When Khy was younger he would NOT go to sleep until I had detailed everything that I knew about what the next day would be like. As he's gotten older he's learned to do that for himself, but fear of the unknown still looms large. But then, I'm the same way, so his tendencies make me extra crazy AND I understand it in him, both at the same time.

You can't fix it in him anymore than you could change the color of his eyes, and I bet that you're right - the moving thing is hanging over him like a dark and threatening cloud. Some days will be easier than others, but once the move happens and he sees that life goes on in a familiar manner on the other side of it, I think it will give him a lot of tools for the future.

Hang in there.

Beck said...

It WILL get better and soon, but that's always hard to remember when you're in it, isn't it?
I thought I was going to LOSE MY MIND around two weekends ago, when the kids were so sick - and now it's like it never happened.

Jennifer H said...

Oh, honey. It's so hard to deal with your own emotions, but to try to soften the worries of those around you is a tall order.

Hang in there.